Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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