If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can't turn off my feet"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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