Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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