Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize