You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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