I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
