You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
