Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
