Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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