Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Drunk is not a location!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize