Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
