I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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