I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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