lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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