If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
