dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize