I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize