i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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