I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
