Umm I'm too high to move.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
