I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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