Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
