I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
