chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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