true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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