you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
