nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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