too bad you live with your parents still
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize