so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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