I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize