My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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