Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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