Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
