Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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