Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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