She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
