Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I need help removing her.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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