Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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