I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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