my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
