he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
