I was born with a shot glass in my hand
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
