Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
