Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize