weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
