just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
