First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
