we have pet lesbian snakes
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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