My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
