i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
