how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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