There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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