Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
