I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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