There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
