a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
