mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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